why this isnt tumblr

if i had a tumblr, it would be great. I could post pictures and shit all the time, be cool and hip, on trend, all that lark. Id have way more than 3 followers. I'd have so many followers id practically be a cult. Take that scientology!

but no - what really puts me off tumblr... i'd have to reseach how to make it pretty. Then i'd have to ask people stuff. And we all know im not good with people. Really. Im fucking terrible. Infact i realise right now the over abundance of the full stop in this post is probably going to fuck some people off. But i just. dont care. Take that capitalisation and grammar!

But yeah - why cant there be some sort of beam that could transmit what i thought onto the internet. Then i wouldnt have to research, i could just go SHAZAM! and it would be there. But wait... if i could transmit what was in my head, think of the pandoras box of horrors that would be unleashed. Oh sweet zombie jebus. It would be immense

SOMEONE INVENT A FUCKING MIND RAY ALREADY

DEFS not safe for work

http://www.buzzfeed.com/awesomer/do-not-watch-this-video-nsfw

oh sweet zombie jebus

If this is romance i want to have my skin ripped from my flesh and roll in salt

I dont know whos the bigger loser: him for doing it or her for saying yes. Firstly: its marriage. Well done. You've involved the government in your love life. Secondly the tattoo is looks like its been lined up a by a Thalidomide kid, with their little flappy arms barely able to stretch out enough to hold up the stencil. Did you want it straight? Curved? Well you got both by the looks of it.

I hope she gets half his shit in the divorce

A new low or continued standard of excellence

I found out a friend of mine is going to be a father. Normally i'd be against such a thing... face it. Kids are fucking annoyin, ok? However there may be one redeeming factor to the situation: he is a walking train wreck of a man. The friend in question - well, more of an aquaintance - is a poster boy for how not to lead your life sometimes. That coupled with the factor that him and his girlfriends idea of a "couples night in" is doing acid, i have exceedingly low expectations... I can see it now, child is born, he'll be standing outside the Old Blue, babe in arms, saying "look ah muh kid! ain't he brilliant! Now, you get the beers in, and whos got the ket?"

It will be hilarious for all involved. Even if the kid snuffs it though mal-parenting, my buddy could hollow out its limp and lifeless baby fat pudgy mini-corpse and use it as an astray or a drugs stash, or maybe even some sort of novelty bong?

I ask you: what could possibly go right?

Rejoice

Last night, while waiting on the forecourt of an east london train station for one of travelling companions to arrive before heading to a dive for a nights revelry and debauchment, we were approached by 2 ladies.

These ladies were probably in their late 30s, maybe early 40s. Ones appearance was so haggered i couldn't tell what she'd smoked more of - dick or cigarrettes. Either way, she'd had a lifetime of inserting phallic objects into her orrifices, so i knew she would be a winner. Her friend was a treat. That kind of late 30s something most people would dub a 'couger' so they'd feel no shame about slipping her one despite the age gap. When will people learn that embracing shameful behavior is the way forward... Anyway. These two warped old sea hags offered an insight so profound i thought i'd share. Its 11pm, they're drunker than a 13 year old with their first can of K, clutching a bag of fried chicken products. Unproked, without prompt, she stops mid conversation, points at me and declares:

"You have everything... i only have the colonel"

Your life is over, wench. Mine is just warming up

life is good

Liars

are fucking everywhere. They breed like cockroaches.

i seem to be one of them

Absent for so long

so its been a while, but in my time away, i've answered one of the age old questions:

what would i be like on drugs

now as a back story to this i should explain i had another wisdom tooth pulled. Fortunately there was no cutting or sawing this time - just a straight extraction. Still doesn't stop the heeling processing being rediculously painful or stop my mouth pissing blood for weeks. But the dentist did perscribe me codeine.

I've not touched anything in over 8 years.

i see why people do this shit recreationally now... no worries. no angst. not a care in a world.

happiness

its disgusting